I'm in a minority of one here, but it wouldn't have bothered me in the least. I was raised in the "it takes a village (or neighborhood) to raise a child" age not the "OMG there's a predator waiting to snatch my child on every corner" Once when my hair was long and glorious, I was walking down a stock room aisle when someone ran their hand down the entire length of it. I whirled around and there were two male employees looking very embarrassed. I just smiled and walked on. 36 years later I married one of them.

@kryswyn916 wrote:

I just smiled and walked on. 36 years later I married one of them.

It took him 36 years to catch you?

OP is not a child; she is an adult. Neither was it a flirtatious interaction between teens or two like-minded adults in a bar. It was demeaning to have her hair rearranged by a stranger. And Ewwww.

Steve, I actually expected better of you, in both your posts. You have always been a male who I believed truly understood what women go through in terms of harassment and intimidation and would understand why our physical autonomy is of supreme importance.

@SteveSoCal wrote:

Like I said, cynical....I didn't expect much else for a response.

@texthinker wrote:

"Home improvement" means different things to different people.
I am kind of curious though about the geography of the OP, and some of the responders. I'd never do that to a customer, unless I knew them well, but it does seem to me in the South there are less touching boundaries...a Southern hospitality thing)

Wow!!! I never thought I would start such a firestorm with this!!!! Such a wide variety of views. It just shows how diverse we are in our upbringings and other experiences. Anyway textthinker, I am currently located in Arizona. I was born and raised in Colorado, lived 8 years in Alabama, 7 years in Southern California, and 11 years in Connecticut. I've lived here in Arizona for almost 11 years. There was a time when this little incident wouldn't have fazed me at all but in recent years I've gotten more conscious of personal boundaries. I would never dream of touching a stranger without some kind of connection. We had a salesperson - customer relationship, To me this does not give either of us the go-ahead to touch the other without permission. Admittedly the hair is one of the most innocuous places you can touch someone but she still should have refrained. In the end though, I'm glad that I only reported it to the scheduler and let her decide. I haven't heard back from her yet in response to my note to her. So I guess she just wants my report to go in as is.

@LisaSTL wrote:

This summed it all up.

"Admittedly, this is coming from a male perspective"

EXACTLY. I'm having flashbacks right now. When I was younger, and petite, guys used to think it was funny to pick me up and "put" me somewhere. The loss of autonomy over one's self, even just momentarily, is frightening and infuriating. OP's experience reminds me of that. No adult expects anyone, especially a stranger, to override their personal choices.

@SteveSoCal wrote:

Admittedly, this is coming from a male perspective, but the outrage at the employee's action does seem kind of cynical to me. It seems like it was done in a caring/friendly manner, even if was overstepping a personal boundary.

If you are there on assignment, you are, in a sense, co-workers. Seems sad to me that in this age, we consider reporting a worker for that. Perhaps just a reaction of, "Wow, that was really uncomfortable for me. You should be careful about touching people without consent."

I grew up in a world where older ladies would pinch my cheeks when I was a kid. I had long curly hair well into my 30's and people would regularly take it upon themselves to touch my hair. I chose to take no offense where none is intended. You have to consider the spirit of the action when considering if someone needs to be reported for their behavior.

If an unknown sales representative came over to you and buttoned up your shirt or tucked your shirt in "for you" without warning, would you consider that caring/friendly? Or would you be shocked, demeaned, embarrassed by those actions. People pinched your cheeks when you were a kid, not as an adult. Big difference. Grooming a stranger is never okay, especially an adult stranger.

Mystery shoppers and employees are co-workers??? Where'd that come from?

@LisaSTL wrote:

Steve, I actually expected better of you, in both your posts. You have always been a male who I believed truly understood what women go through in terms of harassment and intimidation and would understand why our physical autonomy is of supreme importance.

I still am, and consider myself a feminist...but nothing in the OP sounded like sexism, harassment or intimidation. It sounded like a simple issue of personal boundaries between two mature females if I understand correctly...and even the OP admits that in the past, she would not have been upset by it. For those that remember my post from many years back, I have been the subject of unwanted sexual advances by a massage therapist on a shop, and had to deal with reporting that, and the concern if there was possibly something I did that could have provoked it. I am acutely aware of what that feels like.

However, I personally think it's cynical to suspect that there was anything mildly nefarious about the gesture as described. If it was a shoe salesperson touching your feet, you would have thought nothing of it. We live in a world where human interaction is becoming rarer, and I think I should be allowed to have a differing viewpoint about if the incident needed to be reported. Yes, I think it was crossing a boundary, but not one that should require disciplinary action for the employee.

My point in prefacing my opinion with the fact that is was coming from my perspective was just that; My perspective. My opinion. I believe that perhaps we may have become oversensitive to the concept of another person touching us, and that saddens me. In some parts of the word, that action would not be viewed as harshly. We each view it through our own particular filter...

@ChrisCooper wrote:

If an unknown sales representative came over to you and buttoned up your shirt or tucked your shirt in "for you" without warning, would you consider that caring/friendly? Or would you be shocked, demeaned, embarrassed by those actions.

I was in a cafe with a girlfriend just the other day. The server came over to take our order, noticed that my girlfriend had the tag sticking out the back of her shirt at her neckline, and fixed it for her, tucking it in. My girlfriend told me to leave a bigger tip for the server because she was, "so sweet".

@ChrisCooper wrote:

Mystery shoppers and employees are co-workers??? Where'd that come from?

We are both ultimately working to the accomplish the same thing...a positive customer experience. We offer feedback to managers and salespeople about how they can better their performance. They may not know it, but we are working alongside them.

When I'm in a hotel, I get paid to make a mess of the room, take pictures and report on how the housekeeper maintained the room. When it's time check out, I show respect for the staff who work hard maintaining the room by cleaning up after myself before leaving, since we are both working toward the same goal. I don't fool myself into thinking I'm a regular customer, because I am not.

I really wish you could have ended the sentence with "my perspective, my opinion." Oversensitive is a term often applied to women to diminish their own feelings. When our society is able to put misogyny and harassment behind them, perhaps the action will not be viewed as harshly. As long as it is accepted women should tolerate burying their own feelings about being touched or grabbed for fear of offending or being blamed, that day will not be today.

I have lived through horrific boundaries violations. In my experience, and perhaps only in my experience, it is more powerful to withhold attention and credence from offenders than to proclaim victim-hood and wallow in that until "something changes" in the society. This gives me response autonomy. I control how I will respond to a perceived offense. Giving it no credence dis-empowers it, regardless of what was intentional or inadvertent or misunderstood. It also empowers me to define what has happened. There does not need to be a collective glossary or response repertoire. We can choose for ourselves, to a very great degree, how we will identify and process events. (Based on a cursory review of past and current world history, it is likely that boundary violators will be with us forever. Apparently, this is one of the pervasive woes of the basic human condition that is constant throughout history irrespective of other factors. But who cares about that, right? We want to boundary violations to stop. Problem is, we all have different thresholds and different boundaries. One person's boundary is another person's invitation. One person's comfort is another person's horror.) But this is just me, and my experiences are unique. I do not expect you to feel as I do about anything at all.

But here is one common theme. As mystery shoppers, we are necessarily in a neutral mode when we perform out mystery shops. It's good to be aware of what we don't like because this might protect us someday. But as long as we are not in immediate danger, we can carry on and do as the OP did. She was not in immediate danger. She was uncomfortable. After the shop, she completed her report and asked for permission to add information. And then she told us what happened.

@kryswyn916: great concept! Only one student in the cohort figured out how to convey to our professor that there was a price tag hanging from her lovely sweater. Some of us jiggled our arms, stared for a few seconds, and rubbed our fingers together, but got nowhere. The student who approached the professor and said that there was a tag hanging from the sweater got kudos and a lifelong friendship. The rest of us... well... we learned something.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/01/2017 02:37AM by Shop-et-al.

Again wow. I would have been uncomfortable in the shirt tag situation. I would have expected the waitress to say something to me about it rather than take care of it herself. I actually have had people take it on themselves to take care of that issue for me. It bothered me if I didn't know them. I'm glad your girlfriend didn't have a problem with it, but that is her choice. If I were you I would not consider it a blanket okay for you to do the same for other women. One of them might smack you. Just as I would not presume to zip up a strange guy's fly for him.

I am pretty germ conscious and I think a lot of people don't wash their hands properly. I've seen it in the restroom where other women just sort of rinse their hands or maybe they use soap but don't do a 30 second wash or clean under their nails. A retail person is walking around touching things that other people who may not have washed their hands at all have touched. Also, at home improvement stores they often have rodents and birds that leave droppings...I don't want anyone touching me anyway, regardless of all that.

Having lived in Hawaii for over 30 years, I would have found the behavior normal and acceptable. Now, living in the SouthWest people are creeped out if you tell them they have a booger in their nose or their gas tank door is open. What's the matter with people?

@spicy1 wrote:

Having lived in Hawaii for over 30 years, I would have found the behavior normal and acceptable. Now, living in the SouthWest people are creeped out if you tell them they have a booger in their nose or their gas tank door is open. What's the matter with people?

The booger one is maybe more embarrassment, spicy1. I know I'd feel kind of embarrassed and might forget to be polite and say "thanks for letting me know."

I told the Deli guy, while on a shop, that he had a booger in his nose. He was all pissy. I don't care, just don't slice my meet then!

@sassymmmm wrote:

I had an odd unacceptable (in my opinion) experience while doing a shop at a home improvement store today. I had to go to the appliance department, check the signage and see if the associate mentioned the credit card. When the associate approached me, she reached out and took some hair that was dangling in my eyes and moved it out of my eyes before she said anything to me. I'm in my late 50's and she was probably about 5 years older. I was stunned that that a store salesperson would take it upon themselves to touch me without even a greeting let alone an excuse me. If I had been a regular customer I might have talked to the manager. Since I was only evaluating whether the associate mentioned the credit card, not her behavior in general, do I mention this in my report? The report doesn't even ask for the associate's name (although I do know what it is). Any guidance out there?

How did the rest of the interaction go, sassymmmm? In particular, did the associate say anything directly after removing your hair from your eyes? And, if so, what was the tone and what were the comments?

I know for me personally (I'm a millennial - though in the older range for the category), I would feel this to be very presumptuous of a stranger to think they could touch me like that without asking. Although, I might infer they were intending to just help remove the hair so I could see better, I would still think it to be a bit too much of a physical boundary violation to do without asking or knowing me personally (as in a mom, sibling, etc.).

Given the woman's age, I do wonder if there could be a generational culture gap with social expectations? I don't know. It's a tough one.

Did the woman's tone seem sweet and caring with her actions - maybe like a loving granny type?

Maybe the best approach in a situation like that is to just politely let them know that you're uncomfortable with being touched like that and that you prefer to be asked first or know the person well. I'm not sure what I would have done myself.

Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/01/2017 09:23AM by shoptastic.

@spicy1 wrote:

I told the Deli guy, while on a shop, that he had a booger in his nose. He was all pissy. I don't care, just don't slice my meet then!

haha

I honestly think it could be an embarrassment thing cropping up as anger, lol. But that's specifically with a booger issue. Sometimes people don't know how to handle embarrassment. I was probably like that as a teen and would maybe display super defensiveness.

I find, too, that tone matters a lot. I think a smile and softly (low volume) telling the person with something like "You have a little something in your nose" (maybe pointing to one's own nose and smiling again) could get them to understand and respond positively.

These are always hard to say whether they are socially acceptable or how someone might take it. I agree with your comments earlier that region/location ...and stuff like age, culture, etc. matter. A cultural faux pas (spelling?) in one place might be totally normal somewhere else. I wouldn't make too much of his reaction, lol.

But boogers are one of those universally embarrassing ones probably!

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/01/2017 08:46AM by shoptastic.

Shoptastic what a lot of questions!!!! Basically she moved my hair with a smile and went promptly into business talk. Her tone seemed perfectly normal for this type of transaction. If she had said anything about what she had done, I might have been more likely to say something to her to gently remind her that this really wasn't a good idea with a customer.

You can say something to her, that's your personal preference and perception of her action. However, not all people feel freaked out by other people so you would be telling her understand your perception only and not speaking for all customers and certainly not for well-rounded people for whom fellow human assistance is normal! I'm sad for you and others for whom this is uncomfortable. I would have said something if she crossed my personal barriers, one of which would be to pull my panties out of the crack of my arse on a hot Arizona day.

PS, they could give a rat's arse about your total interaction with Associates, only the circumstance upon which their product was "sold" to you, as a customer. Not understanding the shop itself really freaks me out about so-called shoppers. But, as a grown person who doesn't know how to say "Whoa, that was awkward" along with that certain look it takes to get the point across and having to ask a "mommy" on a forum what to do about it says you absolutely need someone to help you get that hair out of your face! You should go back to the store and thank her for helping you to better understand the world.

The nose thing is way too personal, I'd never talk about ones nose leakage. I now remember sitting in a restaurant and a girl came up to me and said, my tag was out...I thanked her, and fixed it, I would never have known as I don't have eyes in the back of my head. I think it's the intent, meant in a harmless way, o.k., if you feel uncomfortable, just say something. Sometimes words can solve the problem, better than touching. Not coming from a touching feely family, he'd have to be really cute to get away with touching my face.

@sassymmmm wrote:

Shoptastic what a lot of questions!!!! .

Here's how most of us have solved that.
You touch the user name and a list of choices come up.
Touch "toggle user visibility "
Then you don't clog up the page with nonsense.

You have some doozies yourself sassymmmmnot

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/01/2017 08:36PM by spicy1.

@spicy1 you sure are a spicy little firecracker!

@spicy1 wrote:

PS, they could give a rat's arse about your total interaction with Associates, only the circumstance upon which their product was "sold" to you, as a customer. Not understanding the shop itself really freaks me out about so-called shoppers. But, as a grown person who doesn't know how to say "Whoa, that was awkward" along with that certain look it takes to get the point across and having to ask a "mommy" on a forum what to do about it says you absolutely need someone to help you get that hair out of your face! You should go back to the store and thank her for helping you to better understand the world.

@eyelove2shop wrote:

@spicy1 you sure are a spicy little firecracker!

@spicy1 wrote:

PS, they could give a rat's arse about your total interaction with Associates, only the circumstance upon which their product was "sold" to you, as a customer. Not understanding the shop itself really freaks me out about so-called shoppers. But, as a grown person who doesn't know how to say "Whoa, that was awkward" along with that certain look it takes to get the point across and having to ask a "mommy" on a forum what to do about it says you absolutely need someone to help you get that hair out of your face! You should go back to the store and thank her for helping you to better understand the world.

Good for you, they didn't delete the word arse, i put in a letter and got deleted....

Spicy1 seriously? What's with the personal attacks? What did I do to deserve that? Go away, please.

I meant some doozies, as in thought provoking, discovering or rediscovering personal morals and space and relevance and all of that. My being impressed with the braveness of your posting this questions did not come across on the internet. I meant it as a good thing. I'll go look up the word doozies.

That wasn't the post I was referring to. You have several other postings on this topic that I consider to be insults to me personally. Don't worry though, they've been reported, Please go away.

Never mind.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/02/2017 03:28AM by LisaSTL.