My companion and I were shopping the restaurant. We were greeted and seated, and given menus. We told her we needed a few minutes, and she went away. We were seated in a booth. When she returned, she just scooched right onto the seat beside me.

We didn't mind, really. She was funny and cute and sweet. Also, I think I can safely say she was of "mature" years; I felt like maybe she just needed to get off her feet for a couple minutes.

Obviously, this was not a "high end" shop.

Surely I'm not the only person in the universe who thinks this is overly familiar? I mean, it's not like we INVITED her to sit? Nor did she ask permission. In fact, the chatting made the report much easier to fill out...."So, who's managing now?" "Heather" "Oh, really? Wow. She's been here like 5 or 6 years now, huh?", etc., etc., etc.

OK, moving on. Different restaurant, different town, different companion. We're seated at a table with 4 chairs. Waitress walks up, pulls out a chair, plops down, says "Hope you don't mind if I take a load off while you're looking over the menu?" (so she sort of asked permission). Again, a woman of mature years.

Although I wrote glowingly positive reports on both servers (other than this, service was above and beyond what one expects in such places -- I left a 50% tip for each, well above what will be reimbursed), I'm just thinking about this.

Do I need to cultivate an "I'm unapproachable" vibe? How does one come across as welcoming such behavior? Is this a new trend? Is it acceptable? (I think NOT, actually. If I were a waitress, I wouldn't DREAM of sitting at a diner's table!)

Would you put in the report that the servers did this? (I did not. I did report in both cases that the server was "very friendly, bubbly, outgoing" ) Would you be offended if a server did this, and if so, how exactly would you indicate to the server they were past the bounds of propriety?

OTOH, in both cases, it made it oh, so much easier to ask all the stupid questions we were required to ask, because we could just fit the questions in the casual chit-chat. So in that sense, it was a real positive.

And there's no way we were spotted as shoppers.

Has this ever happened to you? Opinions, input, ideas, suggestions -- all welcome.

As are funny stories....

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/21/2019 06:40PM by ceasesmith.

Now that you mention it, i had a waitress do that to me once, not on a shop. She was in her 20s. It surprised me for sure. I had been noticing how most servers would squat down while talking to us/taking our order that i thought this was her version of doing that. I just assumed it was to put themselves at a better level for eye contact. What do you think?

My (girl) friend and I shopped a gay restaurant and bar. The server sat down, and he did kamikaze shots with us. We did not order them, and we did not pay for them.

Nothing surprises me after that.

I am hearing impaired and appreciate a server who squats down so they are closer to me. I never had a server actually sit down next to me but, If it could allow me to hear better, I would welcome it.

I would be taken aback if a server sat down with us.

This has happened to us a few times at casual chsin restaurants, but years ago. I'm not a fan. It seems the servers are being told to squat now. I think they are told to do this by management.

I actually had a manager sit down with me twice. Once at a late lunch shop when business was very slow. After I sent in the report the manager told the msc that he recognized who I was from the details in my report. In that situation I have no idea what else I could have done as even with not mentioning he sat down with me he knew all about my specific order and time I was there etc. The msc banned me from shopping any of their locations and it was not until a new msc took over that I could do that shop again. This was in a large city where this is probably not going to happen often.
On another non shop at a smaller town and a diff restaurant I ordered from the server and again there was only one other table filled at the time. The manager brought our dishes over and sat down with us to chat. I got his life story. Throughout he kept saying, let me get you this or that and calling the server over to get us either quick refills or something he thought we might enjoy that we had not ordered. Had it been a shop I am sure when he saw the report he would have known.
In neither case were we asked permission but in both cases they were outgoing, chatty sorts of people.

In the southeast this is not uncommon at all. We're a friendly bunch.

I see them squat down, never sat with me, and no, way to comfy, should respect one's privacy, and either squat or stand up and take order.....not acceptable, Manager should speak with Servers and notice. I don't even like over friendly servers, trying too hard for a bigger tip.

We ate at a fine dining restaurant earlier this year, an Italian place with excellent food and a fabulous wine list. The owner was the sommelier. He noted my husband looked Italian, asked about his Italian heritage, which led to a discussion about wine. He got really excited when he found out my husband makes dry red with grapes flown in from Northern California, and that's when he asked if he could join us (after he opened our first bottle of wine). Occasionally he would get up and visit the kitchen, visit other tables, talk to the servers, run down to the wine cellar, and then come back to sit for a few minutes. He opened several bottles of great wine throughout the evening. He was interesting, polite, and a great conversationalist. It was a clean and very well run establishment. When the check came, we were only charged for the first bottle and our food. My husband tried to pay for some of the wine but apparently it came from the owner's private stash and he wouldn't hear of it. We had such a great time there, I have no complaints.

Owner/manager/chef is one thing.

I think a waitress/server is overstepping.

I remember a few years ago doing Larsen's Steak House (very upscale), and the chef came out and asked if everything was o.k. The restaurant originated from Chicago where my daughter lives, and I asked about it.
The chef sat down to talk about his first location, then said, I've been talking too much, please let me take your steak to warm up. He was gracious, polite, had a fabulous meal and no problem there.

I've had this happen to me a few times and I've never liked it. The last restaraunt I worked in, I would see the servers mostly crouch down, which is awful for your knees, but one girl would sit at the table or pull a chair from another table. It made me cringe every time. Most places that I frequent locally are the same staff over and over and even though we're familiar, I can't imagine any of them sitting down with me. A chef or owner, absolutely! That's how I got my last bartending job lol.

I think it's a little rude. What if you and your companion need to have a serious talk. Or you just wanted to spend time alone. Or it's a date night. A server should be friendly, yes, but they should also give the patrons time to enjoy their own time without giving her all of their attention. At a certain point I probably would have told her something, as nicely as possible. Like saying that we have something really important to discuss with each other and need some time alone. Never offend the wait staff! They have access to your food before you do.

I had this happen at a restaurant that encourages their servers to "make a personal connection." The young server sat down and started telling us about what she was studying at community college. Any time I shop a restaurant that insists that their servers "make a personal connection" I am sure to tell them how annoying, intrusive and awkward this is. Some people may enjoy it, but I do not appreciate the interruption when I am having dinner with my guest.

I had this happen at restaurant shop and when I mentioned it in my report I was told they are supposed to do that at that particular location. I can’t do that shop any more because I did it too often- only shopper that would do it then I guess- and there’s only one in my area. Maybe that’s part of what they want them to do?

I tend to sit in the corner of a booth and kind of lean in the corner, and usually have daughter and sometimes niece with me. This leaves a seat next to me. I have had male servers sit next to me when it was time to order at two shopped chains. I reported it but wasn't unhappy about it either.

1 I searched and found something called Chowhound. In a similar discussion, the responses ranged from 'I am the patron and should determine who may sit at my table' to, "Where are the Chowhound version of Guardian Angels when you need them to give a slap on the back of the head of boorish wait staff".


2. I do not condone violence.


3. I recall a place where a previous owner was chummy, nosy, domineering, and obnoxious. Even if guests had reservations for occasions, they were split up according to the whims of the owner. This was a private place tucked into a desert community where a minimum number of millions or billions was required for
entrance. A larger number was required for acceptance and support. Since then, the policies had been revised. By the time I was hired, a bit of sanity had crept in and guests were permitted to celebrate their personal occasions together instead of being rent according to the fancies of the mightily moneyed mad.

When she sat at the table, it was not like it is when your friend the owner sits at your table. It works well with some people.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/22/2019 02:01PM by Shop-et-al.

I have shopped two different "breastaurant" chains. I believe the guidelines mention that servers are encouraged to be flirty, and may sit at the table. As a middle aged female, I rarely accept these, but when I do I always have to take my male roommate who is a little younger and a lot better looking. I must ruin the mood, curiously none have ever sat at the table. Which is okay, I too, do not appreciate the trend if that's what you want to call it.

This was not a shop but OMG...not only did she sit down, she started flirting with my husband. Who did she think I was? His sister??

Mum...your post made me remember years ago at Red Robin, there was a waitress definitely flirting with me (OMG), she wouldn't leave me alone, very disturbing as I am straighter than straight. I later saw her in the bank, and she ran over took my hand and said oh honey, I've missed you......HELP!!!!!

@Irene_L.A. Wowza!!!

I did a lot of the BWW dine-in shops by myself, and I had servers sit down across the booth from me several times. I found it awkward. It seemed like it was coming from a good place of friendliness and maybe (ironically and unsuccessfully) trying to make me feel comfortable. I didn't care for it, but it didn't upset me either. This was in the Midwest and Southeast. I would be surprised if someone did that out here haha

Also, sitting right next to you seems worse! Not only are they in your bubble, but you also have to turn to look at them! Ugh



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/22/2019 06:23PM by RedRose22.

It doesn't bother me any. I would much rather give my order to someone at the same eye level.

@Irene_L.A. wrote:

Mum...your post made me remember years ago at Red Robin, there was a waitress definitely flirting with me (OMG), she wouldn't leave me alone, very disturbing as I am straighter than straight. I later saw her in the bank, and she ran over took my hand and said oh honey, I've missed you......HELP!!!!!

I was in my early 20's (I'm mid 20's now) and took my mother with me to a nice restaurant. I had the waitress actually ask me if my guest was "a cougar, or my mom."

Like in what world would that be appropriate? And how would I NOT be offended by either insinuation? Either I was dating a woman old enough to be my mom... or they thought my mother had sexual desires for me?

@Misanthrope wrote:

@Irene_L.A. wrote:

Mum...your post made me remember years ago at Red Robin, there was a waitress definitely flirting with me (OMG), she wouldn't leave me alone, very disturbing as I am straighter than straight. I later saw her in the bank, and she ran over took my hand and said oh honey, I've missed you......HELP!!!!!

I was in my early 20's (I'm mid 20's now) and took my mother with me to a nice restaurant. I had the waitress actually ask me if my guest was "a cougar, or my mom."

Like in what world would that be appropriate? And how would I NOT be offended by either insinuation? Either I was dating a woman old enough to be my mom... or they thought my mother had sexual desires for me?

Actually, it would be completely appropriate if you were shopping dick’s last resort.

Otherwise, yuck.

On one shop, an employee who did not serve me sat down at my table without asking for permission, played with some of my food, and started eating some of that food. I called him out on it and never shopped that location again.

People be crazy!

As a customer this wouldn't bother me, and I would probably welcome it. As a shopper, I would hope it wouldn't happen. Any of those details about asking to sit and sitting, not asking, asking and refusing, would just make me more memorable. But you gotta report the report, so I would be expecting to loose those shops after that one.

There are actually studies which show that waiters/waitresses who squat down get statistically larger tips. The reason is that if they stand, then there is a tendency to perceive them as a "superior", whereas when they squat, they are lower or at the same height as you, which would historically be proper for a servant. Think about the custom of bowing to someone of higher social stature (king, queen, duke, knight, etc.)

@kimmiemae wrote:

I had been noticing how most servers would squat down while talking to us/taking our order that I thought this was her version of doing that. I just assumed it was to put themselves at a better level for eye contact. What do you think?

@BusyBeeBuzzBuzzBuzz wrote:

On one shop, an employee who did not serve me sat down at my table without asking for permission, played with some of my food, and started eating some of that food. I called him out on it and never shopped that location again.

People be crazy!

Please elaborate. This does sound crazy.