A man and his wife are at the bank the other day when it was robbed. One of the bank robber's mask slipped a little and he asked the teller if he saw his face. He said he did so the bank robber shot him. The bank robber turned to the man and asked him if he saw his face and the man said, "I didn't but my wife did."

OMG!!!!!!!

A simple exercise program

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb. potato sacks.

Then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand, and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

It's time for spelling in Mrs. Jones 3rd grade class. The weekly spelling words are up on the board and she asks each

student to choose a word, stand up and spell it, then use it in a sentence.

It's Joeys turn, his word is fascinate. He stands, sounds out the word, spells it and says:

"I have coat and it has 9 buttons on it, but I can only fascinate."

hahahaha..got it right away.

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

Just found out that Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween...

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

iblessyah Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Woman gets off a bus and marches into the bus
> terminal crying and yelling. Customer service rep
> asks her what is wrong. She says, "The bus driver
> said my baby was the ugliest one he'd ever seen."
> A new bout of screaming and hysterical crying
> ensued. The customer service person told her,
> "Ma'am, if you'll stop crying I'll give you a free
> bus ticket to anywhere you want to go....and
> here's a banana for your monkey!"
It's really very Funny!!!

This guy goes to his doctor and says, “Doctor, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like the word HONDA”.

“That’s interesting, I've never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart now?” says the doctor. The guy says “OK.” And sure enough, the doctor hears “HONDA”.

After several attempts to figure out what’s wrong with this guy, the doctor runs out of ideas. He refers him to an assortment of doctors, GI specialists and internists and others; and none of them can figure out why this guy's farts sound like “HONDA.” It is a completely out~of~this~world medical condition.

Finally, as a last resort, the doctors think they should send the man to a dentist. After explaining the problem to the dentist, the dentist examined the guy's mouth. The dentist says “A-haa! I know what the problem is!”

The patient says “Well, what is it?" The dentist replies “You have an abscessed tooth.”

The guy says “Yeah, so… what has that got to do with farting?”

The dentist replies, “Didn't you know? Abscess makes the fart go HONDA!”

An old woman goes to the doctor's office. The doctor gives her a checkup and says, "I need to do stool, blood and urine tests."

The woman says, "Well can I just leave my underwear? Bingo starts in half an hour."

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?!
This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

oops

Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/08/2013 02:11AM by Canuck.

A long-married couple arrive at a wishing well. The wife drops in a penny and steps back. The husband leans over to drop in his penny, loses his balance, falls in and drowns. The wife looks down the well and says to herself, "Amazing! It really does work."

Ha! Those are all great!! "fsh" still has me cracking up!

Since this is in writing, you will probably get it right away. However, when you tell someone this, sometimes it takes some time for them to get it. We have all these new/old chronic illnesses that are abbreviated with letters.: RLS, OCD, COPD, ect. There are many more. A lot of them are in commercials and ads. Again, you are reading this, so it won't work as well, but if you tell someone this, it works VERY well.

Whenever someone complains about a pain, health issue, etc., I ask them: "Has your doctor tested your for A.G.E.? It is getting really bad and they are finding out a lot of people have it."

They usually ask me what it is and tell me they have never heard of it. Then after a few minutes, they hit me and start laughing.

Try it one someone, but don't laugh when you ask them!

You will not believe how many people have A.G.E. It has become and epidemic.

Saw a tee-shirt the other day that said, "I have C.D.O." In smaller print it said, "That's Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in the correct alphabetical order."

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."

Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears."

Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:

"Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!"



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Hahahaha funny.......

I like the one about the stupid cat. lolol

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front
door. He opens it to find two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem.
One of the deputies asks if he is married. He says, "Yes, I am."
The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man's wife.
The guy says, "Sure," and gets a photo to show them.
The deputy says, "I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy replies, "I know, but she has a great personality is an excellent cook and I love her."

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting. He looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.

Three men were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The first man wished to be back home. Poof! he was back home. The second man wished to be at home with his family. Poof! he was back home with his family. The third man said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

A very sweet little old man told me this in line at the drugstore.
What did the fish say when he swan into a cement wall.....Dam

Two brothers, ages 8 and 10 were known to be the cause of any mischief in a little town. They were always getting into trouble. Their mother went to a clergyman who was known to be very successful in disciplining children. The clergyman asked to see them separately.

The 8-year old went in the morning and the huge clergyman with booming voice told the boy to sit down and asked, "Where is God?" The boy opened his mouth and left it hanging open. The clergyman again asked, louder this time, "Where is God?" The
boy did not say a thing, so the man raised his voice, shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?" The boy screamed and ran directly home, straight to his closet, slamming the door behind him.

His brother followed him in the closet and asked, "What happened?" The younger boy, gasping for breath said, "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

Quite funny LOL

The cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

Sorry, did not see it was already posted.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/06/2014 07:34AM by risinghorizon.