The old thread seems to have been closed down . . .

A friend had fallen on rough times, and his handyman business had failed. He had become quite reclusive, living in a rural cabin with his faithful dog Mace. Now Mace had an odd habit of munching on the high weeds that had grown up around the shack. One day my friend received a call that could change his fortunes - his plumbing services were needed for a large commercial project. My friend gathered up his tools, but couldn't locate the most important one - his pipefitting wrench. In frustration, he went out into the yard, only to find that Mace had chewed a patch of weeds and had exposed the wrench lying in the front yard. In joy, my friend praised his faithful companion, saying "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"

Santa's elves are subordinate clauses

Mac ran in to his friend, Ralph, that he hadn't seen in over 15 years. Ralph told Mac how he had gotten married about 14 years earlier. "Really?", asked Mac, "How have you managed to keep your marriage going for that long?" "Easy", said Ralph. "Whenever we have a disagreement, we have agreed that she will go in to the kitchen to cool off, and I will go outside till I am in a better mood." "Oh!", his friend Mac chimed, "So how has that worked for you all these years?" "Well", said Ralph, "she's become a great cook, and I've learned to love the outdoors!"

What is red but smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.

What do you call an elf who sings?
A wrapper!

Why is Christmas just like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him.

Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past?
Because the present's beneath them.

What do you call a broke Santa?
Saint-NICKEL-LESS

What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?
An udder failure.

(Credit to Arte Johnson on Rowan and Martins Laugh-In circa 1969)

Did you hear about the boarding house that exploded?
'Roomers' are flying everywhere.

(Credit to Henry Gibson on Rowan and Martins Laugh-in circa 1969)

Reading the forum and seeing how many people complained other people stalking them.

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade..

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven..'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

No sugar or blood pressure or....

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your damn Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'