Three men were being interviewed on the subject of eulogies. Each of them was asked if they were able to hear what was being said about them at their funeral, what would it be.

The first man said, "I would like to hear them say that I was an honest and decent man who worked hard all his life."

The second man said, "I would like to hear them say that I was a devoted and dedicated family man who cared for everyone."

The third man thought for a second and then said, "I would like to hear them say......Look. He's moving!"

Love love love it.....

At final Judgment Day the crowds were gathered awaiting entrance to Heaven. God appeared and addressed the throng saying, "I want all the men to line up in two lines--the line on the left is for those who were truly the head of household and on the right, for those who were not. The women I want to go with Saint Peter."

When the women departed, the line on the right of men who were not the true head of their household was hundreds of miles long and the line on the left had only one man, who seemed somewhat embarrassed.

God addressed the long line saying, "You men should be ashamed. I created you to be the head of your household and the master of your hearth. Why is it that in all of creation there is only one man who did that? You have been disobedient to my commands!" There was no answer, but a vague shuffling of feet.

God then turned to the one man with a radiant smile and asked, "How did you manage to be the only one standing in this line?"

The man shuffled his feet and mumbled, "My wife told me to stand here."

So true. So true.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma ' am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?"

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

So good and true, loved it.

Very good one, Flash. My turn.

To counter with men sometimes being smart:

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him....."Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to one hundred in two seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'

U.S. Postal 'Service'

Telephone 'Service'

Cable 'Service'

Civil 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

State, City & County Public 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

Yuck. Rather graphic in the mind's eye for me. But then, I'm very visual, as an art teacher and artist. :-)

Flash, good one, yes we do get "serviced".

Indian brave "Running Bear" was determined to better himself and attain a successful career, so he left the reservation at age 18 and went to college.

He studied hard, applied himself and soon received a degree in electrical engineering. Being humble and remaining true to his heritage, he felt compelled to share his success with his tribe.

He returned to his reservation and immediately began to install electricity in all of the outhouses.

Today, he is known and remembered as "The indian who wired a head for a reservation!"

Very nice RJR.

This one's for Dee:

The final exams were on Monday and two students decided instead of studying they would party the weekend. They had a great time, so much so, that they overslept Monday morning and arrived just as the test was finishing.

They told the professor that they were returning from the weekend Sunday night and had a flat tire with no spare and were late getting back.

Although the professor was suspicious, she allowed them to take a make up test. The two students were elated. She sat them down in opposite ends of the room to prevent cheating. She then handed each of them two pieces of paper.

They looked at the first paper which was a simple question worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought. This will be a snap. They then turned to the second page which had only one question worth 95 points........"Which tire?"

Nice

Senior Citizen Newly Wed Song.

Sung to the tune of "Side By Side."


We got married last Friday,
My girl was right there beside me.
Our friends were all gone
We were alone
Side By Side.

We were so happily wed then
She got ready for bed then
Her teeth and her hair
She placed on a chair
Side By Side.

One glass eye so tiny
One hearing aid so small.
Then she took one leg off
Placed on the chair by the wall.

I stood there broken hearted
Most of my girl had departed.
I slept on the chair
There was more of her there
Side By Side.

Chuckling, here)

That's a good one, lol.

Tonight while secret shopping a grocery store, a cute little old man told me this joke from his granddaughter. Incidentally, my family thinks I flirt with little old men. I don't know why they always choose me to talk with.

So what do Winnie the Pooh, Smokey the Bear, and Pluto the dog have in common? I'll take a couple of guesses and then share the answer with you. He said he would be very disappointed in me if I didn't frustrate someone first before telling them the answer.

Carol

No guesses so far? I need a guess before I can give you an answer''''''''''''

They are male

Okay, thanks for the reply. Now here is the answer. They all have the same middle name. "THE" ha ha

:-)

A little boy asks God what a million years is like to Him. He replies, "A million years to me is like a second to you." Then the little boys asks, how much is a million dollars to you? God replies, "A million dollars to me is like a penny to you." Finally the little boy asks, "God, could I have a penny?". God's reply, "Sure, in just a second".

Concerning Walmart senior greeters:

An elderly man was hired to be a Walmart greeter. He interacted beautifully with the customers that arrived through his door. He had only one fault. He was late every single day. One day his young supervisor pulled him aside and told him he was doing a great job but added that there was a problem because he was late everyday. The supervisor asked, "What did they say to you when you came in late in your previous job?"

The man smiled sheepishly and said, "Usually they stood up, saluted and said, "Good morning, Admiral!"



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A length of Rope went into a bar, sat on a stool, and
ordered a beer. The Bartender said, "We don't serve
Ropes here." Dismayed and disappointed, the Rope went
out and then got an idea. He stopped a man and asked,
"Will you please tie a knot in me and separate my strands
at both ends?". The man obliged, and with this done,
the Rope went back into the bar and again ordered a
beer. The Bartender looked him over and said, "Say,
aren't you the same rope who was in here before?!" "No,"
was the reply, "I'm a frayed knot."

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ...

But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain
and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate
ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed
to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First
Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which
the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate
boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among
the crew, the pirates were repelled.

The men sat around on deck that night recounting the
day's events when an ensign looked to the Captain and
asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before
the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that
only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded
in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, and
thus you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men
sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man.

The next morning, the lookout screamed that there were
two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew
cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed,
"Bring me my red shirt!" Once again, the battle was
on, and the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding
parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Later that day, however, the lookout screamed that there
were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties
on their way. The men became silent and looked to the
Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown
pants!"

Do you know why people have middle names ?



Answer: so you know when you are in trouble!! Verytrue isn't it?