Here’s the M*A*S*H version:
This is a covert Mess Hall Evaluation. Pay is an $8 flat fee, no bonuses regardless of your time and mileage. You will need to have passed 2 certification tests with no errors in order to qualify.
Scenario:
This is a “walk-in” assignment. You will need to dress accordingly in full fatigues, get a buzz cut, and wear (conceal) your $500 video camera and record audio as well. If you get detained as a spy, you’re a 1099 so you’re outta luck!
You are required to complete a 10 section report with 200 questions and narratives for each section, plus a summary narrative at the end. You cannot repeat the previous narratives OR YOU WILL BE DISQUALIFIED FOR PAYMENT!!!!!!!!
You will need to order a drink at the bar and watch the conduct of the bev-keep for 30 minutes to be sure they’re not spiking the kool aid and report the the begin and end time of at least 3 orders (no notebooks allowed).
Then you will proceed to the food line and evaluate the service, then find a seat and evaluate the food noting the begin and end time (minutes/seconds/milliseconds) of each of the following:
Time you entered the queue?
What was being served?
Time the slop hit the tray for each meal item?
Total wait from the first to the last plop of slop?
Time you exited the line?
Was the slop hot?
How did it taste?
What were the slop-slinger’s names?
Were they wearing the corporate uniform and name tags?
Describe their appearances in order of service, including any facial hair, tattoos, and what they were wearing, being careful to use gender neutral pronouns.
Was the mess hall clean and free of trash and pests?
Was there space to sit down at a table?
Had the table been cleaned and sanitized?
Did a petty officer clear your tray at acceptable intervals or did they try to rush you?
Was your beverage refilled before your cup was empty?
Were you asked if everything was to your liking within 5 minutes of your first bite?
Was there a problem with your order? If so, describe in full detail how it was handled.
Were you treated with courtesy, thanked for your business, and invited to return?
Please be sure to get a business card with the mess hall manager’s name embossed on it and take a date/time stamped and geocoded selfie in front of the entrance upon entry and exit. You must also upload a photo of the business card and images of all sections of the menu board, slop line, and a panorama of the mess hall to your report proving you were at the location OR YOU WILL NOT BE PAID !!!!!!
Please also be sure read the attached 18 pages of additional instructions and entire report BEFORE you begin, use proper spelling, punctuation, and grammar in your report, and submit before midnight the day of the assignment, or you will be flogged and court-marshaled in addition to NO PAY!!!!!
Please reach out to your scheduler at:
idontgetpaidenoughforthisfriedbaloney@youvebeendraftedandhavenochoice.com
with any questions before these directions self-destruct.
Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 06/09/2025 10:47PM by SBP.