Joke of the day.....
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Heard one today at the office, which is a your momma joke. "Your momma is so ugly that she went into the forest and a tree peed on her."
Two best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.
"Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again..
Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts" - no way.
"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.
"Loons and Moons" - forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends".
Everyone loved it.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.
"Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again..
Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts" - no way.
"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.
"Loons and Moons" - forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends".
Everyone loved it.
CURTAIN RODS
On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.
When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ....
and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.
When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ....
and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
Gracie Allens Prime rib roast receipt".
buy 2 prime rib roasts, one small and one large...
put both in the oven, when the small one burns, the large one is done...
buy 2 prime rib roasts, one small and one large...
put both in the oven, when the small one burns, the large one is done...
Live consciously....
A NUN AT HOOTERS
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
'Now, how about that drink?'
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
'Now, how about that drink?'
Intelli-shop's Hero Citation...that certainly is a joke!
1. Two antennas met on a roof ... fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much ... but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says ... "I'll serve you ... but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar ... and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm .... and says: "A beer please ... and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc ... I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well ... It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly ... "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day ... but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted ... "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs! "The doctor replied, "I know ... I amputated your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel..
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says ... "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly ... so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank ... proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel ... and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour ... the manager came out of the office ... and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked ... as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open
foyer."
18. A woman has twins ... and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt ... and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ... they name him 'Juan.' Years later ...
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture ... she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds ... "They're twins! If you've seen Juan .... you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi ... as you know ... walked barefoot most of the time ... which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little ... which made him rather frail and with his odd diet ... he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh ... man ... this is so bad ... it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf ... who was a mystic ... escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally ... there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends ... with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says ... "I'll serve you ... but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar ... and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm .... and says: "A beer please ... and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc ... I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well ... It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly ... "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day ... but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted ... "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs! "The doctor replied, "I know ... I amputated your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel..
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says ... "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly ... so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank ... proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel ... and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour ... the manager came out of the office ... and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked ... as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open
foyer."
18. A woman has twins ... and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt ... and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ... they name him 'Juan.' Years later ...
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture ... she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds ... "They're twins! If you've seen Juan .... you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi ... as you know ... walked barefoot most of the time ... which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little ... which made him rather frail and with his odd diet ... he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh ... man ... this is so bad ... it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf ... who was a mystic ... escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally ... there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends ... with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
four, six, eight and nineteen are going on fb... thanks
shopping north west PA and south west ny
When I got this in my email I had a number of good groans. Hard to pick a favorite, but 18 caught my fancy.
Those are absolutely precious and made my day!
Equal rights for others does not mean fewer rights for you. It's not pie.
"I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag." -Molly Ivins
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It's a waste of your time and it really annoys the pig.
"I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag." -Molly Ivins
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It's a waste of your time and it really annoys the pig.
I'm watching King of Kings as I always do on Easter. My husband heard me laughing so hard at all 21 of them and had to come in & check to see what was so funny about the story of Christ. Sacrilege? Please forgive me, Lord!
This thread hasn't been updated in months.. Time for a Laugh!
Got this one from my MIL.. I wonder if she knows since I'm turning 50 in another 3 weeks that it's time to send me these "Senior Citizen" jokes!! LOL
Subject: My trip to the store today!
There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
(Side Note: Sounds like some of those "guidelines" we get!!)
Got this one from my MIL.. I wonder if she knows since I'm turning 50 in another 3 weeks that it's time to send me these "Senior Citizen" jokes!! LOL
Subject: My trip to the store today!
There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
(Side Note: Sounds like some of those "guidelines" we get!!)
~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~
Proud To Be A Soldier's Mom
Proud To Be A Soldier's Mom
many months later i am still sharing these with friends and family... thanks forum friends
shopping north west PA and south west ny
Not really a joke, but these came through my mailbox the other day and were too fun not to share. Don't try this if you are OCD about hand washing . . .
Here ya go - got this from my MIL:
BEWARE OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST!
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer..
"What the heck is this?" he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"Cathy", he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker, "It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!"
.. Guys just never learn, do not piss off the woman!
BEWARE OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST!
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer..
"What the heck is this?" he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"Cathy", he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker, "It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!"
.. Guys just never learn, do not piss off the woman!
~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~
Proud To Be A Soldier's Mom
Proud To Be A Soldier's Mom
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm thinking you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.
If you're a woman, I'm thinking you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.
Mary Davis Nowell. Based close to Fort Worth. Shopping Interstate 20 east and west, Interstate 35 north and south.
Love that one, MDavis!
A perfect illustration of how men & women process thought differently. Sounds like something my Dad would do!
A perfect illustration of how men & women process thought differently. Sounds like something my Dad would do!
Practitioner of the Nerdly Arts.
Saw this on facebook: What do they give Tickle Me Elmo dolls before they leave the factory?
"Two Test Tickles"
"Two Test Tickles"
Flash Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Two best friends graduated from medical school at
> the same time and decided that, in spite of two
> different specialties, they would open a practice
> together to share office space and personnel.
>
> Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was
> the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr.
> Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".
> The town council was livid and insisted they
> change it.
>
> So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and
> Hemorrhoids". This was also not acceptable, so
> they again changed the sign.
>
> "Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.
>
> Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal
> Retentives" - thumbs down again..
>
> Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.
>
> Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt
> Holes" - unacceptable again!
>
> So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a
> chance.
>
> "Nuts and Butts" - no way.
>
> "Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.
>
> "Loons and Moons" - forget it.
>
> Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came
> up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing
> in Odds and Ends".
>
> Everyone loved it.
Being that I work in Mental Health, this ENTIRE joke had me cracking up laughing at the desk.
-------------------------------------------------------
> Two best friends graduated from medical school at
> the same time and decided that, in spite of two
> different specialties, they would open a practice
> together to share office space and personnel.
>
> Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was
> the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr.
> Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".
> The town council was livid and insisted they
> change it.
>
> So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and
> Hemorrhoids". This was also not acceptable, so
> they again changed the sign.
>
> "Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.
>
> Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal
> Retentives" - thumbs down again..
>
> Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.
>
> Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt
> Holes" - unacceptable again!
>
> So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a
> chance.
>
> "Nuts and Butts" - no way.
>
> "Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.
>
> "Loons and Moons" - forget it.
>
> Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came
> up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing
> in Odds and Ends".
>
> Everyone loved it.
Being that I work in Mental Health, this ENTIRE joke had me cracking up laughing at the desk.
Little lady shopping Southern Louisiana & Mississippi. 
Time to resurrect this with a few oldies but goodies that gave me a chuckle this morning.
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem:
The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"OK, I give up. Where's the f---in' ship ???"
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine, celebrate our good fortune and see where the evening leads.
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police....
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION AND HEALTH
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is
apparently what kills you.
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem:
The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"OK, I give up. Where's the f---in' ship ???"
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine, celebrate our good fortune and see where the evening leads.
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police....
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION AND HEALTH
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is
apparently what kills you.
Equal rights for others does not mean fewer rights for you. It's not pie.
"I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag." -Molly Ivins
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It's a waste of your time and it really annoys the pig.
"I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag." -Molly Ivins
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It's a waste of your time and it really annoys the pig.
I volunteered at our local county fair yesterday. I was manning the Beekeepers Association exibit. Scared to death, because I do not know that much. Had a complete blast! Lots of people and I was surprised at how many questions I could answer. In my three hour period, I had three people there who were seriously thinking about getting bees and I think they will come to the work shop, our local Beekeepers Association will have next year. What the hell does this have to do with this thread?
One of the guys I was talking to had two young boys and one of the boys desparately wanted to tell a new joke he had learned...I think he must have been five or six. Here it is....
What kind of teeth are worth a dollar?
Buckteeth
I laughed like crazy and the kid was thrilled.
One of the guys I was talking to had two young boys and one of the boys desparately wanted to tell a new joke he had learned...I think he must have been five or six. Here it is....
What kind of teeth are worth a dollar?
Buckteeth
I laughed like crazy and the kid was thrilled.
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