Tell Me Something Funny!

It's been stressful the last 5 days with deadlines. I need some laughs... who wants to help?

Arguing with fools is like playing chess with a pigeon...
...No matter how good you are, the pigeon will s@^t on the board and strut around like it won anyway.

Not scheduling for ANY company.

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A family of Three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind.
The big father tomato walks back to baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into red paste,and says "ketchup!"

Im not sure if this is in the favorite threads sticky, but it should be.
Joke of the day: [www.mysteryshopforum.com]

My Dads favorite: It's time for spelling in Mrs. Jones 3rd grade class. The weekly spelling words are up on the board and she asks each

student to choose a word, stand up and spell it, then use it in a sentence.

It's Joeys turn, his word is fascinate. He stands, sounds out the word, spells it and says:

"I have coat and it has 9 buttons on it, but I can only fascinate."

This one from Flash had me in tears!
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted ... "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs! "The doctor replied, "I know ... I amputated your arms!"

Not great at jokes but here goes a military joke.

Terrorists have overtaken a building and the military are called in to secure the location.
The Army stations soldiers at each entrance and waits for the terrorists to come out.
The Marines go in and kill everyone.
The AirForce takes out a contract to lease with an option to buy.

Not sure but that one just tickles me....

In honor of Thanksgiving....

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

“No, ma’am. They’re dead.”

Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product. Eleanor Roosevelt

Two men walk into a bar and the first one orders H20, The second man states "I will have H20 too." They drink their drinks and the second man dies. Sorry a nerdy science joke.

Another in honor of Thanksgiving:

A farmer was telling a friend how tired he was of his family fighting over the drumsticks on Thanksgiving, so he had bred a turkey with 6 legs.

The friend ran into the farmer a few days after Thanksgiving to ask him how his "special" turkey had tasted.

"I don't know," replied the farmer. "I haven't caught it yet."

There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

For my Jewish friends......"If you drive a Ford, it's Yom Kipper, if you drive a Caddie, it's YOM KIPPOR, and if you drive a Roll
Royce, it's Christmas"!!

Happy Thanksgiving....

Live consciously....

It was so hot here yesterday I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
Benjamin Disraeli

This guy goes to the doctor and says "I don’t know what’s wrong, but every time I fart, it sounds like the word HONDA."

The doctor looks puzzled, and says, "That’s interesting, never heard of anything like that before." After several attempts to figure out what’s wrong with the guy, the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of internal specialists, and they send him for all sorts of tests; and none of them can figure out what the problem is. It's a completely unheard of medical condition.

Finally, as a last resort, the doctors decide to send the guy to a dentist. After explaining the problem to the dentist, the dentist opened up the guy's mouth and examining it. The dentist says "Aha! I see what the problem is."

The guy says "Really? What is it?"

The dentist says, "Well, you have an abscessed tooth."

The guy says "Yeah, so… what's that got to do with anything?"

The dentist says, "Everyone knows that abscess makes the fart go HONDA."

Practitioner of the Nerdly Arts.

This elderly, rather distinguish looking lady goes to the Doctor. When the Doctor asks what he can do for her today, she says that she passes air frequently that makes the most awful noises, but does not smell. She goes on about how it's embarrassing at bridge club and other events, and reiterates that the noise is terrible but it does not smell. The Doctor asks if she can pass air for him, and when she does the Doctor tells her he is going to check her in to the hospital for immediate surgery. The lady asks the Doctor if he'll be doing the surgery on her rectum. The Doctor replies no the surgery will be on your nose.

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
Benjamin Disraeli

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Hey, where's the bar tender?"

This was a question asked at a promotion board for Non Commissioned Officer in the Army. What is the difference between a Hoover Vacuum and a Bradley fighting vehicle.

The Hoover only has one dirt bag in it.

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