Bbird,

Kudos to you for handling the situation perfectly.

I've been super busy and couldn't sit down to read the entire thread until today.

Thanks to you also for keeping everyone informed of the progress. This is an outstanding discussion!

Joy

@LisaKwaj,

I think the district manager handled it appropriately. I think the MSC handled their part appropriately. I do agree with their (client's) decision that my report was unusable, given what happened. I think the waitress should have apologized, but she hasn't. Maybe she was instructed not to contact me.

I was a bit hurt that the safety of reveal shops was kind of brushed over by the MSC and/or client. I'd asked if this situation had given them enough reason to rethink the strategy of how to safely perform reveal shops. The response I got back was "Oh, this was such an isolated and unusual incident."

I do think I will continue to do compliance shops in the future. I've spoken at length with my husband about it, and we both agree that I shouldn't let one negative experience ruin what I believe to be a valuable service.

As Vlade pointed out, I haven't yet received reimbursement, so it's not quite over for me yet.

@ NYCrocks,

I don't know how soon after her miscarriage that she returned to work. I personally have never suffered from PPD but have known people who have. PPD made my most mild-mannered, gentle friend into someone even she did not recognize for a time. She would put her son in his crib after an hour of trying to comfort him, and have to walk away, because she was afraid of "snapping." She said she'd get in the shower and cry, because she'd had feelings of extreme frustrations and it frightened her, the feeling of boiling over just beneath the surface. I met her at a coffee house about two months after she'd given birth, and she was her normal self, smiling and gentle... and then they gave her the wrong coffee, or made it wrong, I can't remember. She boiled over immediately, and SLAMMED the coffee back down on the counter, contents sloshing out of the top.

The main difference between the waitress and my friend... and other friends I've known who've suffered from PPD.... is that the waitress was not immediately mortified/embarrassed/apologetic of her actions when she "snapped." Then again, delayed reaction may be a symptom of her unique situation. I don't know, I don't know her, it's something that's never happened to me, so I don't even have a platform of understanding... All I know is that I'm not going to judge her any more for it. I just want my car repainted and for her to get the help she needs. There's nothing that I can do about that, though I've been looking on Amazon for grief counseling books, was thinking of mailing them to the restaurant for her. My impression is that she doesn't have the support she needs. If the manager, her stepfather, allowed her to return to work knowing she's still "not quite right" (his words)... I don't think she's getting the support and understanding she needs.

For all we know, this could've been a cry for help. "Look at me, I'm still suffering and you guys don't even notice, acting like everything's normal." If it was, I hope she gets the help she needs.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/14/2014 06:30PM by BBird0701.

I was all ready to provide information on repairing car scratches from this month's Smart Shopper magazine from Consumer Reports which arrived yesterday. But I'm much happier knowing this horrendous situation is moving toward finalization.

No one should be allowed to be excused for illegal behavior simply because something bad recently occurred in their life. Bad stuff happens to many people every day. That still doesn't give them the right to take it out on someone else who disappoints them.

I wonder what she would have done if she was in treatment for cancer at 26 and told she'd never use her arm and then turned around and told that her baby wouldn't live past age 12. That all happened to my husband with his 1st wife. He never went out and tried to harm the doctors or hospitals. Adults deal with tragedy reasonably--immature children (of any age) throw tantrums. Amazingly, he regained use of the arm over many years and his son lived to 45.

How one person reacts to a tragedy is not mark or measure of how another will.

I have gone through things which might break another person...very nearly broke me. I have witnessed others bearing tragedies or befallings which I know would have broken me. We are all different.

BBird0701 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> How one person reacts to a tragedy is not mark or
> measure of how another will.
>
> I have gone through things which might break
> another person...very nearly broke me. I have
> witnessed others bearing tragedies or befallings
> which I know would have broken me. We are all
> different.


I totally agree with you that we are all different. I feel that girl should not be working anywhere that involves dealing with the public if she reacts so unpredictably.

long thread but interesting. I have found that district managers are helpful with "situations". I know one chain where I was refused seating near the restroom because I was with a elderly handicapped person. The section was closed until five minutes later. When I brought the issue up to the manager it was shrugged off with a dismissive attitude. That attitude alone sent me to the internet when I returned home. The response was swift, apologetic and generous. This was not a mystery shop.

muttnut Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
I was refused seating near the restroom because I was with a elderly handicapped person.

Interesting! I mean, it's not like it's the emergency exit row....well, usually, anyway.

(heart)

Good read... Learned a lot

BBird0701 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> @LisaKwaj,
>
> I think the district manager handled it
> appropriately. I think the MSC handled their part
> appropriately. I do agree with their (client's)
> decision that my report was unusable, given what
> happened. I think the waitress should have
> apologized, but she hasn't. Maybe she was
> instructed not to contact me.
>
> I was a bit hurt that the safety of reveal shops
> was kind of brushed over by the MSC and/or client.
> I'd asked if this situation had given them enough
> reason to rethink the strategy of how to safely
> perform reveal shops. The response I got back was
> "Oh, this was such an isolated and unusual
> incident."
>
> I do think I will continue to do compliance shops
> in the future. I've spoken at length with my
> husband about it, and we both agree that I
> shouldn't let one negative experience ruin what I
> believe to be a valuable service.
>
> As Vlade pointed out, I haven't yet received
> reimbursement, so it's not quite over for me yet.
>
> @ NYCrocks,
>
> I don't know how soon after her miscarriage that
> she returned to work. I personally have never
> suffered from PPD but have known people who have.
> PPD made my most mild-mannered, gentle friend into
> someone even she did not recognize for a time. She
> would put her son in his crib after an hour of
> trying to comfort him, and have to walk away,
> because she was afraid of "snapping." She said
> she'd get in the shower and cry, because she'd had
> feelings of extreme frustrations and it frightened
> her, the feeling of boiling over just beneath the
> surface. I met her at a coffee house about two
> months after she'd given birth, and she was her
> normal self, smiling and gentle... and then they
> gave her the wrong coffee, or made it wrong, I
> can't remember. She boiled over immediately, and
> SLAMMED the coffee back down on the counter,
> contents sloshing out of the top.
>
> The main difference between the waitress and my
> friend... and other friends I've known who've
> suffered from PPD.... is that the waitress was not
> immediately mortified/embarrassed/apologetic of
> her actions when she "snapped." Then again,
> delayed reaction may be a symptom of her unique
> situation. I don't know, I don't know her, it's
> something that's never happened to me, so I don't
> even have a platform of understanding... All I
> know is that I'm not going to judge her any more
> for it. I just want my car repainted and for her
> to get the help she needs. There's nothing that I
> can do about that, though I've been looking on
> Amazon for grief counseling books, was thinking of
> mailing them to the restaurant for her. My
> impression is that she doesn't have the support
> she needs. If the manager, her stepfather, allowed
> her to return to work knowing she's still "not
> quite right" (his words)... I don't think she's
> getting the support and understanding she needs.
>
> For all we know, this could've been a cry for
> help. "Look at me, I'm still suffering and you
> guys don't even notice, acting like everything's
> normal." If it was, I hope she gets the help she
> needs.

You are very kindhearted to think of sending the woman grief counseling books. It sounds like she may need professional help and an anti-depressant.

I am kindhearted to a fault, but I have become less so than when I was younger, as I've been burned too many times. I still have a lot of compassion and empathy for others' misfortunes and I always try to understand where they are coming from. But, I don't handle intimidation tactics very well. I just wish the person well, hope they learn something at some point, and then hope they stay as far away from me as possible!

This woman's actions were an attempt at intimidation and were an obvious retaliation. Maybe she wasn't in her right mind at the time because of the PPD but she was very calculated and methodical when taking photos of your car and scratching the paint. It's not like slamming a coffee cup down because it was the wrong thing and then regretting behavior later like your friend.

I also have no frame of reference for clinical or post partum depression. Women have murdered their children claiming post partum depression before. Some even went to institutions rather than jail when their cases were tried.

I've certainly suffered loss (including miscarriages and death of both parents at a young age) and other major disappointments before. I get annoyed with people every day, living in a big city where people are often very self-centered and inconsiderate, and sometimes act just plain stupid. I've lost jobs before too. It's just not in my personality to try to intimidate anyone for any reason.

I have known people who use intimidation to get what they want or to "get even." This is often learned behavior. I have also known people with Narcissistic Personal Disorder. Some have been the same intimidating people! The slightest criticism is enough to send someone with NPD into a tailspin.

If this was a mature person who took any personal responsibility for her actions, I believe you'd have received an apology. And you should. Maybe you will receive an apology later, but I doubt it.

If the stepfather knew she "wasn't right" then he really should've waited until they were alone to explain the situation to her. Here is a man who tried bribe you (by saying your meal would be comped) into falsifying your report. It's not hard to believe that he may have set a bad behavioral pattern that his stepdaughter picked up on long ago.

But whatever ... I also don't know her history and I also hope she gets some help, for the immediate grief from her loss and depression and perhaps for some more long term counseling.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/15/2014 08:08AM by nycrocks.

I agree that Bbird is very kind-hearted and the idea of sending self-help books is a thoughtful one. However, I don't know that she would take it in the spirit in which it was intended. She may be the type to try to use it as proof that Bbird is now somehow harassing her. Maybe best to just leave her alone.

LJ, well, whoops, as I just got back about twenty minutes ago from dropping some off at the restaurant. I found some good ones at Barnes & Noble. I'd tried looking on Amazon, but like flipping through books to get a feel for them. Anyway, she was not at the restaurant and none of the other employees seemed to recognize me. I spoke with the manager.

I'd intended for her not to know that the books came from me. I told him the truth. That I'm glad that the district manager decided to pay for the damages, and that I wasn't going to press charges against her. I gave him the books and asked if he could look through them, and decide whether they would benefit her, and give them to her. I asked to be left out of it. He seemed to realize she needed ongoing support from him.

Oh, and I got my giftcard from him then. The one from the DM is being mailed. They're both going on eBay, as both my guest and I didn't like the food much.

Bbird, I'm sure everything will work out. You're so very kind. I suspect the manager will tell her who they are from, but who knows? Maybe your generosity - not just the books, but not pressing charges - will make an impact on her life.

<3

LJ... I have always tried to operate under a "Sh!t happens" mentality. Sh!t happens, and you can either dwell on the negative, or look for the positive. If no positive, try to create one. For the most part, that just falls under a laidback "Laugh or Cry" outlook, in which I choose to find humor in a situation. Sometimes there isn't any to be found, so... it then becomes an opportunity for growth. Sometimes that's the only positive.

I'd have honestly ended up a really bitter, negative person, without that.

Anyway, I really wouldn't have felt right just washing my hands of it, knowing that my situation was being taken care of, and wondering if hers wasn't.

So, I hesitate to comment, but in these times, she probably *had* to come back to work, even though she wasn't ready. I'm pretty sure this restaurant doesn't offer great benefits that allow her to be paid for medical leave.

There actually are genetic differences in people that affect their ability to withstand stress. They did studies of people who were raised by abusive parents and either did or didn't become abusive themselves. There was a genetic difference between the "survivors who got past it" and the "future abusers."

Not all women with PPD flip out, but some do, and there may be a genetic component. So for any of us to say, "I went through hell and never flipped out" is not really relevant since you may have the gene for "surviving stress" and she may not.

Brains are complicated enough, and being awash with a confused soup of hormones following a miscarriage can produce totally unpredictable behavior.

As I mentioned earlier, the hormones do not absolve her from financial responsibility for her actions, but they may preclude criminal liability. Of course, we only have the step-father's word for this, but her reaction to the picture of a happy baby picture tends to confirm that something did happen that she was not yet over. The death of a child is one of the most traumatic things that can happen to anyone, and if this was a desired and much-anticipated baby that was lost -- it was a child, not a fetus to her and she will grieve it as much as if it had been a two-year-old she lost. And because the child was never born, she will not even get the sympathy and support that would normally be offered to a parent who lost a child. She did not get the closure of a funeral. She did not get sympathy cards and hugs. What she probably got was a lot of awkward changes of the subject and the advice to "get over it."

I had a miscarriage while going through other personal crises (my mother in law was dying, and in the midst of that I learned one of my horses had cancer and had to be put down; two weeks after my MIL died, my grandmother passed) and I basically had to stuff my feelings to get through the rest of the issues we were dealing with. All these things happened within 6 weeks. The miscarriage was the first trauma, then it was every 2 weeks after that something else was demanding my tears.

I remember how touched I was when a co-worker gave me a "Thinking of you" card after the miscarriage. But that was the only tangible sign of sympathy I received from anyone; the family was on death watch with my MIL. I wonder if anyone gave this young woman a sympathy card of any kind over the loss of her baby.

Try not to judge her. Normal people don't do what she did. Luckily she acted out against the car, not the shopper. Nobody was hurt.

BBird, you did a good thing, showing sympathy and support to her even after she attacked your car. It may mean the world to her that someone understands and cares.

Update, received payment for the paint job. However, they did it through something called "GreenDot" ??? They sent me this long string of numbers and I was told to load it to my Paypal account.

Good news!

Yep, and it worked! And it was more than the estimate I sent in, so I'm happy!

Excellent!

That was the happy ending I was hoping for.

That reminds me of a HILARIOUS story someone once told me regarding his wife giving him a trip to a massage parlor for his birthday. Probably not the best place to tell it though.

Yay, I'm so glad it worked out for you in the end, BBird! You showed so much courage, grace, and compassion, and you deserve a happy ending!!!

Bgriffin, does it have anything to do with the last two words of the post below yours?

You, my dear BBird, are no hillbilly! I am so impressed with how you represent yourself. I thank your husband for his service to the country to keep us safe, and you for being a support to him so that he can do so. It takes more than the soldier to be a successful soldier, it takes the love and support of family. Have a happy and safe weekend. S2

First and foremost, you are one classy lady, and you handled everything perfectly. Second is I am, as are others, thrilled that everything worked out so well for you. If the location was a "Chain" or establishment with other locations, I would expect that word has reached all locations, and any server or bartender that does not card is "stupid, stupid, stupid" (borrowed from John Grisham from his book, "The Rainmaker".

It sounds like the manager, step-father of the server, is an enabler. It sounds like they do not hold her responsible for her actions. I feel badley that she miscarried. It appears that she either came back to work too soon, or need some therapy to deal with her tragedy. Like you, I can feel sorry for her, but that is still no excuse for her actions.

Stay safe!! Hugs

BBird, I have heard nothing but objectivity from you. You also showed empathy for the server. As you pointed out, it might simply have been as you said, "no report=nothing happened, etc." Still, the server needs therapy and that location better not screw that up again, or heads might possibly roll!" Fix the car, enjoy the gift cards and bonus, and don't spend anymore time on it. Also, do not second guess your objectivity!!!! Hugs

A great book for grief is, "How To Survive The Loss of a Love." It is one of those small books that contains a slew of sayings and thoughts that cover all sorts of loss. I used to keep a number on hand to give to friends when they had a loss...from a friendships, marriage, death and all other losses. It is cheap on www.half.com. Hugs

cvb42jeb, your husband sounds like he is also a hero. Thank you for sharing his story! Hugs

OK, that last comment of not liking the food...give us a hint at the food chain? That is like adding insult to injury...lousy food.

The gift cards are up on eBay now, I don't think I will be eating there again. They are a chain, but a regional chain.

I got her a set of Beyond the Broken Heart books, plus one specific to child loss.

LJ Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Bgriffin, does it have anything to do with the
> last two words of the post below yours?


HA! Why yes it does!