@ceasesmith wrote:
There was no lecture; I am responsible for what I write, but I am not responsible for anyone's reaction to what I write.
When you tried Presto and thought it was a mess...well, that's what we're here for. You ask so many questions, didn't it occur to you to come on here and ask "Hey, guys, I tried Presto, and what's the big deal? I don't see anything on it useful or helpful."
Hi, cease
This is going to be an imperfect response. Just wanted to say that upfront. I wish I had more time and a better frame of mind to respond with a more ideal, well-thought out, and thorough reply. I hope you'll understand it's the best I can do at the moment.
This is a very important week for me, as I have two important deadlines to meet (for "projects" unrelated to ms-ing). Both are literally life-changing and require a lot of focus and clarity of mind, so I have found it difficult to balance and also respond to this situation. If I don't express all that I'd like here (at the moment), I will be sure to come back at a later date/time to continue.
I organized some of my thoughts below as follows:
1.) I want to own up to anything I'm doing wrong (in all senses of the word) - in this particular situation of finding shops and also interpersonal relations. I'd like time to think about the situation more and return to this when I am better prepared (not literally staring down a couple of life-changing project deadlines and being mentally pulled in too many directions).
2.) Why I was offended/annoyed:
a.) I didn't like being criticized for something that I felt you did not understand (i.e., have full knowledge of the context for) and did not like the manner in which you did it.
b.) The way you did it felt like grandstanding to me.
Ideally, I'd prefer purely constructive criticism. No hints of being snide, abrasive, condescending, or things like grandstanding and/or trying to humiliate someone. I would have said thing like:
"Don't forget, shoptastic, that you can use apps that help you see multiple MSC shops all at once! Remember we talked about that previously? It can save you lots of time!"
I think the way you worded it made it seem like I was purposely, irrationally refusing to listen to previous advice (again, that had to do with my frustration of feeling like you were not understanding my personal reasons*** and the last sentence felt unnecessary). The entire way it was structured/worded felt a bit like grandstanding criticism (not sure if that's the best way to put it, but perhaps something along those lines). For me, that's disrespectful and unnecessary. It can also mess with a person's emotional well-being and health and I ideally (notwithstanding my own failures!) would never want to do that. That's not to say there isn't a time and place for quick, blunt, and even harsh criticism. There can be. But, I think it's usually as a last resort and/or if it's urgent in the face of some kind of serious danger (e.g., Yelling at children physically fighting. There is no time for tact, grace, and the like usually in those situations).
***And that may not be your fault if you did not know. I was simply voicing what my own frustration was there.
3.) Some quick context as to why I did not take the time to look more at the "Presto" app/website.
As I wrote to you in PM last night, I thought the way you spoke to me in the exchange in the other thread, where there was mention of the Presto app/site, was aggressive and upsetting. I felt you assumed things that were untrue and were aggressively speaking with what felt like histrionics and an unnecessarily critical tone. How offended was I? Enough that I wrote what I did in the PM. That's not to say it was a correct interpretation of your intentions or even a fair reaction. Just that I felt that way. I don't like being spoken to a certain way and when it's reasonable (for sure, if I deserve a harsh rebuke, I feel I deserve and will take it ultimately), I do guard my boundaries with people and let it be known or "block"/ignore them.
In fairness, you were not aware probably of my dislike of the way you spoke to me in that thread. When I dislike someone's tone and it hurts or is offensive, it takes me a long time to "recover." I can block out any substantive thing they say (even if well-intended). One of the reasons I did not use or go back to the Presto app/link/site and forgot about it after browsing it for 30 seconds or so is that I did not want to emotionally connect back to your tone.
I can't say that's adult-like. Perhaps "childish" in a sense (not childish as in a kind of frivolousness or silliness of youth, but as in not being emotionally strong or mature enough to handle those things). I believe I am emotionally sensitive. For better or worse, I care a lot about how things are worded, tone, etc. and those things affect me a lot. If I'm upset by something, I disassociate with the source and details sometimes. I did not want to think about the Presto app thing, because of how it was discussed/recommended partially. I jotted it down and told myself when I'm ready, I will revisit it. But, that would be on my own terms. I didn't care if I was potentially missing out on easier job searching opportunities. I cared, I guess, more about protecting my emotional equanimity, sense of self, and having "closure" of sorts.
The other part was that when I did briefly look at it, it was a mess and I didn't want to deal with it at the time. I have a lot of stressful things I constantly have to think about, solve, and handle and sometimes I will avoid taking on "new stresses" just to keep sane. I think everyone probably does this in life with various things. MS-ing wasn't a priority for me at that time enough to bother sorting through it and I probably procrastinated too.
I think what made me particularly upset was thinking in my mind: "Cease was rude in that whole Presto thing previously and is NOW judging/criticizing me for not wanting to read through that old thread and use the app??! Part of the REASON I haven't used it is BECAUSE OF YOU!"
I know you did not know these things, so I would not blame you there. But, that was my thought process and frustration.
Again, this is an imperfect reply. Probably some things don't make entire sense or could be explained better, but it's the best I can do under a pressure-cooked week. As for my anger. It's gone. Writing and thinking about this briefly has helped. So has putting things into perspective and praying for God's peace. I think that you've tirelessly helped so many posters on this forum that I know you want to do good when you teach others.
That's all I can muster for the moment. As I said at the top, I want to own anything I've done incorrectly or missed and when I have more time to reflect, I will respond back with anything of that nature. I wouldn't doubt that I may have overreacted or been responsible for some things that are deserving of criticism. And I'll deal with that as soon as I"m able to.
Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 12/03/2019 10:16PM by shoptastic.