I really feel for you! I do feel your terrible loss.
I lost my kitty June 12 from liver failure. She was in intensive care for 3 days and they let her come home. (I had her 9 years) I did everything they said but nothing could help her. Near the end she became paralyzed and did not make it to her litter box. I called the doctor and they said bring her right in. She was dying. The doctor said we needed to put her to sleep. They had done everything they could.
To say, I was devastated, would be putting it quite mildly. I know your pain. I cried 1,000 times it seems, like over every picture, scent, memory, and the great emptiness of her loss.
Two things helped me: I did not want to jump off a bridge because the pain was that bad, so I did this:
Began my first mystery shop here in this state. (had done 1,000's but in another state) I thought I needed to get to work. Mystery Shopping saved my life, in a way. It gave me a purpose to get up and get moving again.
The second thing I did: I rescued another kitty from the shelter. I did not want to have another life taken because that life could not find a home. That life did find a home; Mine
I have my kitty who passed away on my desktop and see her beautiful face every time I open the computer. I was given grief cards, a pawprint and a beautiful heart with her name engraved. I have her memories and someday I will see her again