What To Do About Strong-willed Elderly Parent

ServiceAward · 2024-08-14T22:16:42+00:00

You may have gleaned from my posts that I live with and care for my almost 83-year-old mother. A stubborn, bitter woman if there ever was one. Her natural temperament has worsened as she has aged, likely induced by undiagnosed Alzheimer's or dementia. Take your pick. She has always been a private person, little if any friends, especially over the past 25–30 years, etc. She is this way with her kids, too. When I moved back home a few years ago, she was just starting to get "off" mentally. It took me some time to figure out what was going on. Whatever mental disease she has, it is getting worse. Mom refuses to go to a doctor - for anything. A couple of years ago she had a tooth infection. It took ten days and her to finally get in severe enough pain to where she would let me take her to a dentist to get some antibiotics. Her behavior is ridiculous at times. She would be this way if she did have the dementia/Alzheimer's thing going on, so it isn't just that. It is definitely amplified by it though. Mom developed what she told me was an "upset stomach" back on August 6, which was a week ago Tuesday. No big deal. She was careful she ate, and seemed to feel better the next day. She had a full meal. That was the last full meal she had, because the following day she said her stomach was upset again. The tropical storm came though here that day, and we were without power most of the day, then again several more times Thursday night and Friday. I tossed everything from the freezer and fridge to be safe, went to the store and restocked groceries. My hope was that she would feel better over the weekend. She was weak at times over the weekend, but she just aggravated at me whenever I tried to offer help or to stress it is time to go see a doctor. She did finally start eating English muffins. She has had one per day, along with some saltine crackers, since Sunday. She is not lethargic. She seems to have some energy. We picked green beans out of the garden yesterday and she said she was going to cook them today. She is staying hydrated, drinking water, Ginger Ale, and Coke. Something like Ensure is out of the question. She will not try new things, and even things she used to like she won't touch anymore - that's been going on for a while. I really do not care if she eats nothing but ice cream and cookies as long as she is getting enough to eat and there isn't something else going on. I ask her how her stomach is, she says it is better, but that "you can't just go back to eating a big meal right away when you've been sick." I reminded her this has been going on a week. She has no fever, aches, pains, etc. I personally think she has food poisoning. She went through a similar instance of this in 2018, before I moved back home. She went ten days without eating anything or telling anybody she was sick until she told me. She did finally go to the doctor and they gave her something, and told her that drinking the Pepto was keeping whatever upset her stomach inside her body instead of allowing it to come on out. She was on Pepto for the first few days of this, but I did suggest she cut back on it. I do think she heeded my advice. My concern is there is something else going on, like maybe she isn't swallowing well (I've read some dementia patients can struggle with this) or she is having some type of bleeding issue she is embarrassed to discuss. This morning when I tried to ascertain how she was, she completely flipped out on me. She cried, covered herself with her covers, told me not to talk to her, told me that she says why elderly people run off because their "damn kids" won't leave them alone, told me I've never cared about her, and on and on. She eventually told me she was going to call the police on me. Then, she said she would call my brother. She finally told me she wants me out of the house. Last night at 3am, she asked me what time it was. I told her and I jokingly asked if she had somewhere to be. "I have a date," she said. "A date?" I asked. "Yeah, a date with a meal. I'm' hungry." Mom responded. She did not want to eat then, but she said she was going to eat a big meal today. I reminded her what she told me last night and, of course, she has no recollection of it. She is normally a different "personality" at night, probably due to sundowners to some extent Her comments to me today were very hurtful. I understand she does not know what she is saying. It still hurts. I drove to a parking lot and cried. I then went by a health clinic to try to see if a doctor or nurse practitioner could at least tell me when do I need to call 911. They could not dispense medical advice like that, which I understood. She has no primary doctor, and has not been to a doctor in probably ten years or so. The receptionist at the desk gave me some unofficial advice. She advised that I leave things alone. As long as she is staying hydrated and eating even a little something, she is likely fine. If she is clearly in pain or has a fever, or isn't getting out of bed or not walking at all, then that would be a time for greater concern. If anybody who has dealt with a stubborn parent or grandparent, I would appreciate your advice on what you would do. I feel like if I do not do something, then I'm just waiting until she is really off and she has to be in the hospital. I feel like this is something that can be prevented.

What To Do About Strong-willed Elderly Parent

August 14, 2024 11:34PM

I think the nurse gave you very good advice. And try not to take what she says personally. She'd be up a creek without you and likely knows it.

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August 14, 2024 11:37PM

I wish I could be of more help. Several years ago my mother said she would rather die than let me care for her in her old age.

This happened last week: I had just talked to her on the phone for the first time in a few months, so I didn't call her on her birthday, but sent an email wishing her a happy birthday. She told me in a series of reply emails that neither of the men she lives with (her boyfriend and my ex-husband) even wished her a happy birthday, but the daughter that she likes (obviously not me) flew in to take her out to dinner.

August 15, 2024 04:08AM

-sighs softly- Service, you know my situation is similar but not nearly as advanced as yours seems to be. I honestly don't know what I would do if it were me - probably yank my hair out. You know I'm here for you, offering quiet strength as well as a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. -gently squeezes your hand-

If your path dictates you walk through hell, do it as though you own the place. -unknown

August 15, 2024 04:41PM

Yup. You will not change them. Give up expectations. Let them choose food and beverage (if this is safe) and understand that the aging and or disease processes are speaking, yelling, swearing, and otherwise being a frustration.

My garden in England is full of eating-out places, for heat waves, warm September evenings, or lunch on a chilly Christmas morning. (Mary Quant)

August 15, 2024 07:14PM

I'm sorry this is going on Service.

My parents are aging and showing early signs of dementia and my dad recently developed tinnitus (my husband has this, so I am familiar with how intrusive it is), and it has made him extremely cranky. My friend was a hospice nurse and frequently encountered these kinds of statements and mood swings and the best thing is to not take it personal. It's not really "them".

August 15, 2024 08:03PM

Labor of love with no appreciation, one of the hardest jobs ever. Bless you for doing it. It sounds like it is getting close to needing help or a nursing home, neither are great choices.

August 15, 2024 08:22PM

Why is this post on this forum? Why?

August 15, 2024 09:59PM

Because this is the section for “general chat.” If you don’t like it, don’t read it.

If your path dictates you walk through hell, do it as though you own the place. -unknown

August 15, 2024 10:05PM

REMOVED

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Post removed for violating the forum guideline "No personal insults".

August 15, 2024 10:06PM

I love the general chat for numerous reasons. Just now, we can be supportive. In a perfect world, no one would have this issue. In our imperfect world, we learn about this issue from experience and from each other. And, we are supportive. Did I mention that being supportive is a good thing? We have a poignant beauty in this forum

My garden in England is full of eating-out places, for heat waves, warm September evenings, or lunch on a chilly Christmas morning. (Mary Quant)

August 15, 2024 10:19PM

@NM1962 wrote:

Its under Latest also. All that smut talk you and he do is under old news.

You have a toggle button. If you don’t like the things I say, I suggest you use it.

If your path dictates you walk through hell, do it as though you own the place. -unknown

August 16, 2024 02:44PM

Just a reminder that this section of the forum, General Chat, is to "Chat about anything you want. This is for anything other than mystery shopping." Please keep it positive, folks. Thank you.

August 16, 2024 03:09PM

@ServiceAward please don't leave the forum. You're appreciated.

August 16, 2024 03:53PM

Ignore the haters, Service.

This is a group of people from all walks of life, with different experiences and knowledge, so posting here can yield lots of different thoughts, suggestions and advice. Most posters are kind and helpful, but like any internet forum, we also get sociopaths, bullies, and keyboard warriors.

August 16, 2024 06:01PM

There are always going to be trolls in any forum. Just ignore them!

August 17, 2024 05:19AM

Your Mom and sister are so very blessed to have you. The fact that you are thinking about a 911 call is disturbing. From what you relay, she needs medical attention. Certainly she has medicare? Inquire about a visiting nurse. Inquire about in home hospice care. Hospice care is not only for the dying which is the popular belief. My heart goes out you.

August 17, 2024 06:03AM

You are a saint for taking such good care of your family. Hearing your stories makes me grateful for having good health. Things we all take for granted...

August 18, 2024 12:01AM

Service, NM has stalked and tried to torment me too. I don't know who they are, nor do I care, I've found that if you don't respond to the tormenter it finds someone else to bother.

August 18, 2024 12:23AM

Stalked and tormented? Ha!!!

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/18/2024 07:57PM by NM1962.

August 18, 2024 12:26AM

Funny when people put their entire life story on here and i recall it ( POS Jeep, lazy son, living in the backwoods of Alabama , on and on and on) im a stalker. TMI.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/18/2024 08:06PM by NM1962.

August 18, 2024 12:29AM

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