1. My boyfriend of 7 months dumped me by GHOSTING me: feeling fairly crappy about myself and wishing I could step out in front of a bus, but there’s no reliable public transit system here

2. Rereading my posts here from several months ago

3. Reading his SAME TEXTS now versus then and coming to a complete different conclusion of who he was while he dated me

4. Enjoying that I have now successfully pissed him off to the point he’s actually replying to me, out of annoyance, without feeling the need to personally respond.

5. Maybe he’ll now go to a class about training difficult adopted dogs, specifically referencing his difficult adopted dog that attacked my elderly small dog. Since I thoughtfully informed him he should. After the dating ended, obviously. I didn’t want to hurt his sensitive g**damned feelings while we were dating.

Who’s the fool? I’m ahead of you! It’s me. It was me the whole time! Ah. High school boyfriends. They were dumb then but also charming. Still charming! Still handsome with blue eyes.

Hey, VVT. My brother was a Coastie and my niece is right now. I am a military brat myself; my father was an AF Colonel and flew missions in WWII, Korea, and Vietnam.

First off, I want to thank you for your service. Secondly, I know that life is tough in the military and IRL as well. Know that you have people in the military that will always have your back.

I also want to point out that men (and women) can be crap. It doesn't matter whether you are military or not, this happens in "regular" life, too. I personally had a series of chit relationships throughout my younger years. It wasn't until I was 37 before I met my Prince Charming, my current husband. And he's not perfect, but we match up just right.

Sometimes you really do have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince.

That’s so nice to hear. I was posting mainly to appease my own mind. So much of my 11-year career has been turning down relationships because I have to move next year or in two years. Whenever. I thought I’d found the Right One. He met my whole gosh-darned family because THEY visit me, and his visits intercepted with theirs.

You’re right. I know what “regular life” is. I’ve been told of it my whole career. I’ll be 43 by the time I can retire. Everybody will be paired up by then: I know my future. And I accept it. It just makes me sad.

Hi VVT,

We don't know our futures. We can plan them as dismally as we wish, but one small thing can turn those plans sideways and life is great again.

I am so sorry that your boyfriend was a d!ck. It's unfortunate that they are a part of life, but, in some way, he made you a better person.

My ex took 9 years of my life that I will never get back. A pure waste.

It might be easy for me to say, but for both of you... stop looking back and start looking forward. You can make your life whatever you want it to be. It will be whatever you focus on.

Taking of moving on, may I suggest something? Of course you are still grieving, but at some point you might try Honeysuckle-- a Bach Remedy. Use the liquid product and/or the affirmations for the Honeysuckle remedy. These are for leaving some time in life for present activities. They make it possible to balance what is now with what was and what can be done now to prepare for a great future.

@VVT...I love your humor and your really o.k., just don't know it yet. I know it takes time these days to find someone "worthy" of you, but you will, as we all go through this and it does make us tougher. My daughter is 44, had a few LuLu's, and now met her person, they fit like a hand in a glove. No more taking crap, just hold your head high and walk away......promise me.....



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/16/2019 03:16PM by Irene_L.A..

Man, you guys are so nice. I’ve been avoiding this forum for a few days because I was embarrassed that I had bared my failures and insecurities to strangers. But your replies have been super encouraging, and so sweet and thoughtful. THANKS!

Ms. Irene LA, you mentioned your 44 year old daughter who finally found someone. And that’s so great for her. What I am currently considering, at 34, is that my mother will find out once again that I couldn’t “keep a man,” and am running out of time to have kids I don’t want, and that’ll make her sad, and we’re going to end our days in a Grey Gardens scenario and the Kennedys are going to have to intervene in order to keep the health inspectors off our case.

Did you worry about your daughter getting herself together and starting a family? Did it break your heart when you knew she wouldn’t give you grandchildren? Did she have siblings who had already given you grandchildren so it wasn’t all on her to do it?

@HonnyBrown wrote:

Hi VVT,

We don't know our futures. We can plan them as dismally as we wish, but one small thing can turn those plans sideways and life is great again.

I am so sorry that your boyfriend was a d!ck. It's unfortunate that they are a part of life, but, in some way, he made you a better person.

My ex took 9 years of my life that I will never get back. A pure waste.

I especially appreciate your comment. I know my 7 month deal is a joke compared to the firm and complete commitment of a marriage. My friend who is currently in an unpleasant 5-year marriage makes sure I’m aware of that (in the sweetest and funniest way (“And ANOTHER thing!”)). But dude, I just can’t get over my own arrogance at thinking I could make THIS one work. THIS guy will make me happy, we’ve known each other since my virginity existed, and if he doesn’t work out, I’m just going to suck it up and pretend it did until my mother dies so she doesn’t think I’m a lesbian.

(That question, by the way, HAS been asked. Out of worry. Turns out Mom is not okay with gays.)

VVY...I tried to address your concern, but feel it is not my place on a shopping forum...perhaps therapy with a professional is the answer. Good luck.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/19/2019 01:03AM by Irene_L.A..

Now, you are sounding like Amy Farrah Fowler (who did a few gyrations during a few sitcom seasons in order to make her mother happy).

Wait. Why are you trying to make your mother happy?

Don't we all try to make our parents happy?

Your 7 month ordeal is important to you. That's what matters.

You can't beat yourself up for something not working when there were two people involved. The fault doesn't lie solely with you. He played his part.

Talk to your Mom. She's been there, and she won't be judgemental.

Well, maybe just a little.

@VVT wrote:

@HonnyBrown wrote:

Hi VVT,

We don't know our futures. We can plan them as dismally as we wish, but one small thing can turn those plans sideways and life is great again.

I am so sorry that your boyfriend was a d!ck. It's unfortunate that they are a part of life, but, in some way, he made you a better person.

My ex took 9 years of my life that I will never get back. A pure waste.

I especially appreciate your comment. I know my 7 month deal is a joke compared to the firm and complete commitment of a marriage. My friend who is currently in an unpleasant 5-year marriage makes sure I’m aware of that (in the sweetest and funniest way (“And ANOTHER thing!”)). But dude, I just can’t get over my own arrogance at thinking I could make THIS one work. THIS guy will make me happy, we’ve known each other since my virginity existed, and if he doesn’t work out, I’m just going to suck it up and pretend it did until my mother dies so she doesn’t think I’m a lesbian.

(That question, by the way, HAS been asked. Out of worry. Turns out Mom is not okay with gays.)

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/19/2019 01:38AM by HonnyBrown.

Yeah, mom's are judgemental. My mom didn't like any of my choices in men when I was younger (and turns out she was right). And even when I met my Mr. Right, she had a few things to say, but she eventually grew to like and love him. You have to live your life for you, not for anyone else.

My Mr. Right had 4 kids. They were 5, 7, 9, and 11 when I met him, and their mom didn't want to be a mom so I stepped in. It all worked out fine. We never had any of our own, but those kids are mine as much as if I gave birth to them myself.

And BTW, people have children past 35 these days. I have a friend from high school who met her prince charming when she was in her mid 40s. They didn't think they could get pregnant, since in his previous marriage he and his previous wife tried and tried and after 9 years of marriage, no kids. My friend and he didn't worry about birth control when they got together because of that. So, after several years, when my friend got the stomach flu and went to the doctor only to find out she was pregnant at 47, they were overjoyed. Their son is healthy and as cute as a bug, that little guy is

I have a friend of a friend of a friend, who frooze her eggs, found Mr. Right at 48yrs., and now has two darling toddlers at age 53...anything is possible.

This is the most heartwarming post of all time. I just want to sit in a room with all you women and empower each other. I'm 33 and single. And I am not going to settle for anyone who doesn't treat me respectfully and with full love. It's not worth it.

My daughter is an only child and at 34 (your age), she was getting her second Masters degree, so, no, I knew the time wasn't right as she had no time to meet, just dated. I also was a late bloomer, and I didn't want her to "marry and have kids" just because, I wanted her to meet her person which happened twelve tears later.
Lots of frogs to kiss before your prince comes along, do what's right for you, it's not about your Mother, well a little. I had my daughter at 35 and in those days, something had to be wrong with you, now, everyone is marrying later, your right on the button with the times.

@nolimitem wrote:

This is the most heartwarming post of all time. I just want to sit in a room with all you women and empower each other. I'm 33 and single. And I am not going to settle for anyone who doesn't treat me respectfully and with full love. It's not worth it.

Completely agreed on the respect issue, but what is "full love"? Just asking. Frankly, 30 is the magic age for a woman and 40 for a man. Statistically, your odds go down after that. There is no perfect man, no perfect woman, and those who wait for them will likely be sorely disappointed (not everyone, Irene.)

The grass isn't greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it. Excepting beating and cheating, most other things can be worked out.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/20/2019 10:56PM by iShop123.

There are always issues to work out, the word perfect doesn't belong in relationships, however, I truly believe in a soul mate, one that "gets you".....after that issues via communication can be worked out. The age thing, who knows, if you meet in your 20's are you really ready without experience....have been married, and not saying anything negative about him, my soul mate came to me at 68 years of age, four of my best years until he became ill. I think with age comes growth of what one wants and needs and appreciation.. chemistry counts.... that's all.
p.s. the grass doesn't get greener when one is cheated on.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/20/2019 11:34PM by Irene_L.A..

My daughter is 37. She met someone two years ago. The wedding was moved up to this December and their little boy is due in February. My first grandchild. Her fiancee is a great guy. All is possible.

@Irene_L.A. wrote:

p.s. the grass doesn't get greener when one is cheated on.

Agree with you, Irene. Repeated infidelity isn't going to change. Serial cheaters and beaters have issues that are deep-seated and likely require professional help to resolve.

I guess "full love" was an odd phrase. I meet a lot of men that seem to have conditions to their love. And that's ridiculous. I've also dated a cheater, though never a beater. But I just want someone who is fully respectful and fully in love with me. Not conditional, not wandering eyes, not any of that. Honestly, I'm not really concerned about settling down. I don't want kids and I'm always busy.

Unconditional love is truly an odd phrase. There are always conditions on love. A few guidlines for what one can deal with are well beyond looks, and obviously your potential mate's views on religion, politics, and food. Damn. I listed the most important one last. LOL.

yeah that unconditional love is complete bs! i mean look at parents and children. the child is dependent on the parent and the parent has a predisposed condition of not abandoning their own kin ie evolutionary/moral obligation/religion side what not... im 35 so i know where you are coming from (im a guy so a lot less pressure) but i have a brother who is 2 years older and already going through a divorce... you can always adopt/foster with the opiod epidemic there are plenty of demand for it

My limited (not really) experience in today's world tells me most are marrying later if at all. Girls think of their education and making it on their own first, so by the time their ready to settle down, most guys are divorced.
Unconditional to me means acceptance and I have never experienced abuse, maybe control, nothing out of the norm. Remember over half of marriages end in divorce, which is good reason for all to be concerned....with the price of homes and rents I know two couples (divorced) who still live together helping with expenses and college for their kids.....many are not divorced but not happy, we all need help....once a woman gets a real sense of owning her own place bought by her money and total independence, it could be hard to let go of and she needs a man that respects that and is accepting.

I had a need for further education and a career before I decided to settle down. I had my kids in my mid 30's and had a fab career with several companies and lots of satisfaction. I never regretted waiting. My baby bro and his wife waited until their 40's to have their two kids.

I don't want kids so no worries there. Though I've definitely thought about fostering out of sheer pity for those kids. And relax, by unconditional I get what you're saying. But like can it not be the next girl over might be a touch prettier? Or that they're so selfish and narcissistic they can't love anyone else. Pretty basic relationship requirements? Geez.

Want unconditional love - get a dog. It is hard to find the right one. Go through the fun and painful process of getting to know someone. Do a background check. Find out their relationships with their friends and family. Go on a trip with them where you are together the majority of time for a few days. That usually makes it clear on how you can get along with habits and expectations.

I know so many childless couples that replace kids with a dog, and are great parents to that lucky doggie.
My cousin up North has no grandkids (like me), and love their dog. My Father gave me unconditional love
and I'll take that anyday...still waiting.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/21/2019 08:05PM by Irene_L.A..

@Irene_L.A. wrote:

My limited (not really) experience in today's world tells me most are marrying later if at all.

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics (bls.gov), the average age for first marriages for Jewish women is 27 and 29 for Jewish men. It's significantly less for Hispanics and Caucasians, and slightly higher for black women. The most significant factor affecting age is the education of the woman; college-educated women tend to get married later. Interesting to me is the divorce factor. The education of the woman has a relatively insignificant effect on divorce, but college-educated men are least likely to divorce, regardless of the woman's education. Black women (remembering that they marry later) are by far the most likely to divorce, especially those who marry men that have no post-high school education, or if they have none. Asian women married to college-educated men are the least likely to split.

You're right that fewer people are marrying, although it's only a few percentage points different than a generation ago. Most people DO get married by age 45.

Hawaii and Nevada post the highest marital rates, but I suspect it's out of state people traveling there to get married (Nevada also has the highest divorce rate.) Beyond that, Southerners and Northwesterners get married most often, with people in the Northeast getting married least often. Divorce rates are pretty stable across the country (save, Nevada) with Oklahoma and Wyoming slightly higher, with Iowa, Louisiana, and Texas a bit lower.

Just some interesting nerdy statistical facts. Interpret them as you will.

ETA: The statistic regarding half of all marriages ending in divorce is misleading, at best. There is a statistical probability that more than 75% of people who marry today will stay married. The 50% quote was a prediction made in the 70s based on what the authors assumed to be a continuing trend -- it didn't materialize, and divorce rates have been falling for decades. Part of the prediction was predicated on the high divorce rate of the 70s continuing and part was based on those who have been married and divorced multiple times. After the second marriage (in which most educated men stay), the odds of success drop drastically. If you've been married six times, it's likely #7 isn't going to work either.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/22/2019 04:55AM by iShop123.