Gallows humor anyone?

Commercials in 2030 will be like: 'Were you or someone you know overly exposed to hand sanitizer, Lysol or bleach during the 2020 coronavirus pandemic? If so, you may be eligible for compensation!

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Due to Covid-19, I’m self-isolating. No one may enter my home except Jason Momoa, Hugh Jackman and those cute firefighters holding baby puppies and kitties from that calendar I saw.
Dang, that's a helluva slap. My mom used to say she was going to beat me into the middle of next week, but next year? Geeze!
My Partner said if I don't get off the computer and help with the dishes, then she'll slam my head onto the keyboard. I think that she is jokin32cvep0irw34ymf.mv;o9hdsirgiert873ajjd5e45fieiewnvld]3e[[2lfnb
Dang, the stores have TP again! And here I was filing my patent for a drying rack for 'wet only' tissues!
A guy clearing out the basement while on stay at home orders finds an old oil lamp. When he rubs it, a genie appears.

"Guess I get three wishes, huh?" the guy says and the genie just nods in assent.

"Okay, for my first wish, I'd like a dozen boxes of Cuban cigars!" Poof and they are on the floor beside him.

"For my second wish, I'd like pizza delivered free for the rest of my life!" Poof there is a gift card in his hand and he wonders a bit about this genie because it is for only one delivery, but the guy figures it magically will work for years to come.

"For my third wish, I'd like a bag of limes and a case of Corona!" Poof, he has a bag of limes and a high fever.
Of all the things I learned in grade school, trying to avoid cooties is the last one I expected to use.

sestrahelena
The other day a doctor confirmed that COVID germs can be spread through farts. This is just a reminder to maintain social distancing while farting and avoid farting bare bottom.
I saw that! It was an Australian doctor, I believe. He said no silent but deadly farts, and also made mention that pants were like wearing a mask, of sorts. If only he realized that a lot of people carry their asses squarely atop their shoulders.
Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!
Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.
I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant.
In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing.
The vacuum was very unsympathetic... told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over!
The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip.
The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to ........yes, you guessed it .....pull myself together
@wildherbs wrote:

My Partner said if I don't get off the computer and help with the dishes, then she'll slam my head onto the keyboard. I think that she is jokin32cvep0irw34ymf.mv;o9hdsirgiert873ajjd5e45fieiewnvld]3e[[2lfnb

Methinks you have a funny shaped head.
You know you have your face mask on properly when you are gasping for air and it is flapping against your face like a luffing sail because no air at all is getting through it.
@Flash wrote:

You know you have your face mask on properly when you are gasping for air and it is flapping against your face like a luffing sail because no air at all is getting through it.
This is, by far, ANYTHING BUT HUMOROUS, but, unfortunately, is true.....
[www.wsbtv.com]
I am in weight watchers. Not following very well!

@Jazzgirl wrote:

When this is over, I don't know where I will go first - Alcoholics Anonymous or Weight Watchers?
My drinking during quarantine has gotten so bad that I've started drinking brake fluid. But I can stop any time I want.

sestrahelena
I remember a Christmas party where the booze ran out and we drank trichlorethylene. But only a little, and it had orange juice in it, and there was nothing on the container that said you shouldn't, and everybody was fine. Well, except for that one guy, but he straightened out in a couple of months.

@sestrahelena wrote:

My drinking during quarantine has gotten so bad that I've started drinking brake fluid. But I can stop any time I want.
@sestrahelena wrote:

My drinking during quarantine has gotten so bad that I've started drinking brake fluid. But I can stop any time I want.

This one gets a good solid hiss from me! smiling smiley
Those space X guys aren't due back for a while. Plenty of time for everyone to buy a gorilla suit and learn how to ride a horse.

sestrahelena
This reminds me of when I was working as a TV repairman down in Houston TX in 1983. As I was going into an apartment complex this cop asked me why I did not stop the guy that was carrying a console TV over his shoulder. I asked the cop if he got a good look at the guy. He said no that he hadn't and I said that I do not argue with people who have biceps that are bigger around than my thighs. And besides that, I know what one of the consoles weigh so no I'm not doing it.

@sestrahelena wrote:

Looters have it easy today. It was a lot harder to run with a color TV in 1968.
I always see more people walking into Walmart than I see walking out. But the meat is cheap. So I don't ask questions.

sestrahelena
A priest, a rabbit and an imam walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, "What'll ya have?" The rabbit says, "I dunno. I'm just here because of autocorrect."

sestrahelena
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